The Book Pirate

The Book Pirate’s Musing on…

Jazz Hands

Yesterday while I discovered when to use Jazz Hands I also came across many undocumented variations of Jazz Hands. Behold!

Traditional Jazz Hands

These are the types of Jazz Hands that most people are familiar with. It’s the basic gesture of holding both hands in the air with your fingers spread apart. They are usually done to add emphasis to something to person making the gesture is saying or doing.

The Walking Jazz Hands

These look like the little white man who tells you when you are allowed to cross the street (that is unless you are a Portlander, in which case you cross whenever you damn well feel like it). This formation of Jazz Hands is best used when making either and entrance, exit, or some combination of the two.

Lower Jazz Hands

Particularly dangerous as this gesture can easily be interpreted as “Hey look are my crotch”. It’s like Traditional Jazz Hands but instead of holding your hands in the air you hold them down around your waist. For the more experienced Jazz Hander, start with Lower Jazz Hands and raise your arms until you are in the Traditional Jazz Hand position. I recommend singing while you do this.

Behind-the-Back, Lower jazz Hands

The only Jazz Hands that I found where you do not face your audience. Don’t hold this pose for too long unless you have an above-average ass that your audience will not mind looking at for a few extra seconds. This Jazz Hand technique works best if a curtain raises to reveal you already pre-posed. This is not a gesture that you can easily strike in front of people. You have to be discovered already doing it.

The Single Jazz Hand

This is Jazz Hands for the individual who is trying to play it cool, nonchalant. Leaning with your back against the wall, possibly in a dimly lit room, lets people know that you are so much better than them that you do not need both hands. The Single Jazz Hand gesture is for the people who are pretentious or like to be perceived that way.

Stay tuned for Monday where we return to more book related nonsense and a review of Marc Acito ’s Attack of the Theater People

The Book Pirate’s Musings on…

Jazz Hands

I’ve almost finished Marc Acito’s Attack of the Theater People . Marc signed my book, “To Colin, with Jazz Hands.” This got me thinking, what the heck are Jazz Hands anyway?

Sure, I know how to do Jazz Hands. It’s like waving but with both hands. But what confused me is the words “Jazz Hands”. Is it a noun? Is it a verb? On one hand I could use it in a sentence like:

“Alex did Jazz Hands for his talent in the talent show.”

In this sentence I would call it a verb. I concluded this based on the fact that I could easily replace Jazz Hands with Somersaults or Juggling. In contrast, I could also say:

“Manny has fantastic Jazz Hands.”

Now it’s a noun. Jazz Hands are a thing in this sentence. So I guess it could either be a verb or a noun. Where it gets awkward is when I try to use the past-tense verb.

“Before David started singing, he Jazz Handed to make his presences know.”

Jazz Handed. Really? How do I convey that somebody in the past did the Jazz Hand gesture? Oh, I could say “did the Jazz Hand gesture.”

“Before David started singing, he did the Jazz Hand gesture to make his presences known.”

That works. Now that that is settled I was forced to try and figure out when to use Jazz Hands. On stage or in front of a group of people who are all paying attention to you seems like the best time, but curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do some jazz hands on experimenting.

At the coffee shop
Coffee. It’s an every day essential for every Portlander. The first victim of my Jazz Hands escapade was the Barista at the PSU Seattle’s Best Coffee. Being the first, I was a little shy with my Jazz Hands. I tell her that I would like a vanilla latte. I pause briefly before I deliver the words “vanilla latte” and that is when bust out my Jazz Hands for the first time. She gaze me a puzzled look and asked for money. I gave her my card. If she even noticed my Jazz Hands I don’t know. It probably looked like I was just really excited to get some coffee.

In class
That evening I had a presentation to do in my Canadian Literature class. I checked with my Canadian friend to make sure Canadians know what Jazz Hands are. He told me that everybody in the great white north uses Jazz Hands. “Fantastic!” I thought and did a little Jazz Hands for myself. When I got up in front of the class to talk about Canadian Cartoons, I forgot to Jazz Hands as I announced my topic. Pretty natural, I had other things on my mind. If I couldn’t start with Jazz Hands, I decided to end with it. “And that’s it!” I say with Jazz Hands. Everyone clapped. Was it clapping for the Jazz Hands or the hastily thrown together speech on a topic I didn’t really prepare for? I’ll assume the former.

At the grocery store
Not yet feeling I had reached my full Jazz Hands potential yet, I stopped at the store and Jazz Handed the lady who rang me up. No reaction. In all fairness, I think they were my best Jazz Hands so far. It wasn’t so much that she wasn’t a fan of hand gestures, but rather she didn’t even make eye contact with me.

At work
I figured I could use Jazz Hands to help motivate the people I oversee.

Me : You suck, work faster. -Jazz Hands-

I think the results speak for themselves on this one. My employee did work faster.

In the end I’ve discovered that Jazz Hands don’t really seem to get any reaction. People just aren’t ready for Jazz Hands to become an everyday gesture as common as high-fives and thumbs-ups.

Tomorrow we’ll talk about the different types of Jazz Hands.

Blurb for the back cover:
"Fantastic coffee table book"

What can you tell about a person from their shopping list? From my shopping list you might conclude that I am worried about scurvy and that, like all good pirates, I enjoy a rum and coke every now and again. In Hillary Carlip ’s book a la Cart she takes judging people based on their shopping lists one step further and becomes these people. Having collected discarded shopping lists for a long time, Carlip has quiet the collection. She has selected some of her favorites and personified the person who wrote it. This book features photographs of the shoppers but the kicker is that they are all Hillary. Dominie Till who did her make-up and hair styles did a fantastic job. Accompanying the photographs are are brief stories that give the reader a little inside in to the life of the shopper. There is Sally the eleven year old girl who has a habit of spending her mother’s change to the disturbed Derrick whose list is made of up three items: Mouse Traps, Cheese, Mouse. I think this book is a fantastic coffee table book because it’s not too serious but enjoyable to flip through.

This is Hillary Carlip ’s second book. Her first book a memoir entitled Queen of the Oddballs was published in 2006. I gave Queen of the Oddballs to my mother as a gift and she loved it. I, however, had a hard time fully enjoying the book because it chronicles that odd place in time known as the 60’s. You’d probably enjoy this book if you, unlike me, knew who Carly Simon is and what The Gong Show was.

I’ve never had an author ditch his own book signing before. But that is just what happen on Wednesday evening. Powell’s was hosting James Frey (of Million Little Pieces fame) and Josh Kilmer-Purcell (or I Am Not Myself These Days ). Instead of the typical reading in the Art section of Powells, the event was being held at the Baghdad Theater which I think they may have been forced to rent as a stipulation of hosting Stephenie Meyer the night before. Instead of the 500+ people Meyer attracted, the Frey/Kilmer-Purcell headline only brought in about 30ish people.

The reading started shortly after seven and Josh was reading first. Much to my disappointment, he read the very first few pages of IANMTD and completely neglected his newest book Candy Everybody Wants . Don’t get me wrong, I think IANMTD is a fantastic book and recommend it to nearly anybody who will listen. When he was finished he got off the stage. There was no Q&A, no talking about his new book, the book that is the reason he is in tour. After James finished at 7:30, I expected Josh to maybe sign some books. I am a -huge- fan of IANMTD and would have loved to at least say, Hello. The Powells employee told me that he had already left the building.

When James, baseball cap on his head, stepped up to the stage to read from his book, his head tilted down and read at such a quick pace and monotone voice that I got the feeling that he really didn’t want to be there. That, or he is a poor public speaker. Either way I was having a difficult time staying away as he read from his new book Bright Shiny Morning . From what I did hear the book sounds interesting and has been written for people with short attention spans as it quickly jumps from subject to subject quickly. I haven’t read the book yet and probably wont get around to it till later this summer. For the Q&A, James answered questions and the audience managed to get half-way through the questions before bring up the fact that he was the center of a huge book scandal in 2006 after Oprah selected his first "memoir" for her book club only to later discover it was really a work of fiction.

All in all, I was very let down by this event. Two authors, one I hold in high acclaim and the other James Frey, should have made for an enjoyable evening. But with one author leaving without even the briefest acknowledgment that there were people who came solely to see him and the other giving Ben Stein a run for his money in terms of being a really boring speaker.

Marc Acito was in town last night to promote his new book Attack of the Theater People . He’s a local author so he’s always “in town” but likewise I imagine he is always “promoting his new book” as well. His new book, for people are are not in the proverbial “know”, is a follow up to the 2004 How I Paid for College: A Novel of Sex, Theft, Friendship & Musical Theater which won the Oregon Book Awards’ Ken Kesey Award for Best Novel in 2005. Attack of the Theater People picks up with Edward Zanni being kicked out of Julliard because he apparently is a pretty poor actor.

The book singing, yes singing, was perhaps the most unusual that I have ever been attended. I am not use to the author bring a keyboard and opening with a song. I also don’t think people clear on the other side of the bookstore are use to hearing an author singing Broadway show tunes while they browse the History section. Yes, Marc can sing which makes up for the fact that I had to miss American Idol to go to his reading (just kidding, I stopped watching after season 3). Marc briefly read a part from How I Paid for College and talked about how the new book came to be before reading from his new book.

I haven’t quiet finish reading Attack of the Theater People just yet. I plan to finish it over the course of this fabulous three day weekend.

Also, Marc has a pretty interesting blog where he does a new thing each day. Worth checking out.

I mentioned previously how Paulo Coelho was encouraging people to download his complete novels from various torrent sites. He maintains a blog that he updates when a new book of his gets posted.

Well the folks over at Torrentfreak did a little interview with him which discusses how such a manner of marketing can be profitable to the author. It’s is worth checking out.

Blurb for the back cover:
“Kept me interested in the story”

I went to the see Scott Heim read from his new book We Disappear without knowing much about him or his writings. I had been told that his first book Mysterious Skin was made in to a movie and a few of my acquaintances had recommended it to me. That was the second time I intentional went to an author reading without having read anything by them. The first time was when I waited two hours in line to meet Sue Grafton who gave me a puzzled looked when I asked her to sign a copy of T is for Trespass . She quickly figured out it was a gift for a family member. Mystery writers are smart. Beware.

But getting back to We Disappear , it is a story that is not entirely about death.

Scott, the protagonist not the author, travels back home to Kansas to take care of his mother Donna who is loosing a battle with cancer. Being home causes Scott to confront his drug problem as he tries to understand his mom’s obsession with missing children. Donna tells Scott that she was briefly kidnapped when she was younger and it was one of the happiest times of her childhood. She is desperately searching for the boy who was kidnapped along with her before she dies. Scott, unsure whether to believe his mom’s story or not, plays along. But going through withdrawals and contradicting stories don’t make things as simple as he would like.

I was told that this book was a “psychological thriller” which I would probably agree. We Disappear had a hint of mystery throughout it which kept me interested in the story. Again, this goes back to my previous theory that mystery writers are smart. I finished this book in a weekend and loved it. I’ll probably now try to get around to reading Scott’s, the author not the protagonist, other novels Mysterious Skin and In Awe at some point over the summer.

Blurb for the back cover:
"This is not a kids book"

I thought that this might be a nice, cute story about lions. I flipped through the book looking at the pictures before I sat down to read it. However, this may not be the Disney-influenced story that I originally thought it was. I was shocked when one of the lionesses gets gang raped and again when a giraffe exploded. This is not a kids book.

Pride of Baghdad is a graphic novel that chronicles a lion, two lionesses, and a lion cub who unexpectedly get released from the Baghdad zoo when bombs start falling and destroy the walls that held them captive. They escape expecting freedom but find a world that is foreign to them. Along the way they encounter other animals that where once held captive.

What drove me most about this books what the beautiful art style employed to create the story. A lot of purples and reds. Come to think of it, a lot of warm colors in general. Niko Henrichon did a really good job in this aspect.

Blurb for the back cover:

"a lighthearted read that didn’t take up much time"

In a world where terrorist attacks run rampant, there is only one place where you are safe: Suburbia. After a coffee shop explosion nearly takes our their daughter, Jane’s parents relocate in order to offer her a safer life. This of course means changing high schools six weeks after the school year has already started. Lost and socially isolated, Jane tries to find peers who she can relate to in the endless sea of drones. She shuns the popular girls and forces her way it to the eclectic, loner group where everybody shares some variation of the same name (Jane, Jayne, etc..). Things do not go easy. Jane will have to win over her new friends in the only way she knows how, artistic vandalism. While at the same time her heart is torn between a random guy in a coma and a guy in her school that could be described as “totally dreamy”.

I normally don’t read graphic novels. Much less graphic novels about girls trying to be an individual in high school. But this book came recommended. The dialog is nothing special or complicated. If anything I would say it’s like how high school students talk, without the cussing.

One thing that I don’t get to talk about with other books is the art. Aside from Abarat none of the books I read have a strong emphasis on pictures or art. This book, illustrated by Jim Rugg , offers realistically drawn characters (no manga here) that never feels cartoon-like. It’s colored in with various shades of gray so don’t expect any color here.

This book was a lighthearted read that didn’t take up much time and left no real strong impression, but was still enjoyable.